Have you ever felt like you are sitting on the edge of your reality, knowing that there is something else out there for you, just out of reach? I’ve spent my life being perfectly capable, but never really doing anything with that capability. I’ve worked average jobs, and done average things, mostly out of duty to take responsibility for my own existence, but also because I have no idea how to take this creative person that I am and use that to my advantage in life. I’ve always managed to find ways to be creative at work, but it never really is what makes my head and my heart totally happy. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy my job and I love the people I work with, but…let’s just say that if I won the lotto (enough to live off for the rest of my life) I would not run out of things to do. Ever.
It is currently January 2018, and I am looking the impending return to work from holidays dead in the eyes; how will I adjust to the regular 9-5 (8.30 to 5.30…ish actually) when I have been enjoying living life in my own rhythm? I’ve been getting up when I’d normally already be at work, I’ve been active, I’ve been creative, I’ve been PRODUCTIVE, and my mind has been whirring like an old computer that has just booted up for the first time in a while. I made a dedication to myself while on holidays; take time to myself, do what feels right creatively, and don’t waste my time trawling through Facebook wondering if I am making the most of my holiday. Last year I spent this time teaching myself how to use watercolour paints, and re-familiarising myself with my camera. This year I spent a large portion of my time sewing, sunbathing, walking along the beach, and thinking.
I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past 18 days I’ve had off. I’ve written stories… in my head… and poems too. I’ve painted, and drawn, and filmed, and imagined myself being someone I could quite easily be. The thing is, I hold myself back. I’ve held myself back for so long, and I’m finally in a place where I am ready to push past that. Three years ago today I was broken and heading for a mental breakdown. I hadn’t created much, photographed much, or really done much in the lead up to that point. I was carrying a lot of mental baggage, and eventually piece by piece I crumbled like a piece of sandstone. I had a choice; be broken, forever, or learn a new way. Over the past 3 years I have unpacked baggage, learned to value myself, learned to assert myself, and become confident and bold. I feel like these past 3 years were training for this next phase in my life.
So, here I am, fulfilling my promise to myself to write once a week every week for the year until it becomes so ingrained that I just get on with the task at hand, rather than sit around waiting for “that feeling, you know. You can’t force it, it just comes when it’s ready”. I’m reminding myself that my thoughts are not unique, and many people have probably thought them before. This might sound self deprecating, but it actually lets me know that it is very unlikely that I am going to write something here for you to read and have no one understand it.
Topics you are likely to encounter here:
- Living with a chronic illness (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome / Myalgic Encephalomyelitis) – WTF is that?
- Creative pursuits
- Personal Development
- Body Positivity
- A fair bit of Fem talk
- My love of nature, and this beautiful country (Australia)
- Keto Diet / Weight Changes / Exercise & Fitness
- My love for Retro Pin-Up style
I’ll be sharing this with things I write, things I photograph, and things I film.